Equality, Love and Raising my Children

So, it has taken me a week or so to get around to this post.  What can I say, it has been a busy week.  Recently, some of the girls I have met in Washington and myself went to the Equality Festival in Olympia that was hosted by Capital City Pride. The slogan for this year was, “Celebrate Community, Defend Equality.”  I have been to some pride festivals before and was at first hesitant to take my children as they can be a little racy.  However, this one was specifically geared towards families, so I wasn’t as worried about my children seeing anything inappropriate.  The festival was several days and we ended up going on Saturday for the festival fun and then again on Sunday for the parade.  We had so much fun and for me personally, it was a great place for my children to be, to see so many people united, accepting and just getting along in general. 

I know everyone has their own views on festivals of this nature and homosexuality.  Me personally, I don’t have an issue with it at all, so I will go ahead and put that out there.  I honestly think love is love is love and as long as it is pure of heart, then more power to you. However, to each their own as far as their opinions.  I know that my personal beliefs don’t necessarily jive with a lot of mainstream Christian thoughts. That said, I don’t want this to come across as a big political and/or religious post, but more about what I feel it is important to expose my children to and the kind of people I hope they become in the future. It is about the parent I need to be for myself and the things I feel it is important for my children to know.  I don’t need to debate you on how I feel if you have a difference of opinion.  I will respect your right to your opinion, so long as you respect mine.

It was really interesting because when we first decided to go to the festival, I really didn’t think I would even have to talk to Lila about it before hand.  I really didn’t think she would even think anything about it if she did see couples of the same sex at the festival as we have friends that are homosexual.  However, just a few days before the event, she asked me what the word “gay” meant on the way to school.  Apparently, the boys at school were telling her that Justin Bieber was gay and she was clueless as to what it meant.  So, I talked to her openly and very frankly about the subject.  I used our friends up here that are homosexual as an example.  While I was worried about a huge conversation and lots of questions, it really wasn’t even much of a blip on her radar and when I asked her what she thought she would say the next time someone said something like that, her response was, “So what if he is?  BIG DEAL.”  I have to say, the pride I felt in my child at that moment is indescribably.  I know that one day, she will have to make her own decisions about how she feels on a whole lot of subjects, but the one thing I hope I can do as a parent is make sure she knows that despite her opinions and beliefs, it is NEVER okay to be ugly to someone because they don’t believe the same thing.  She knows I won’t tolerate bullying in any way, shape or form. Later in the week before the festival we also talked about the point of the festival and I explained that some people don’t think that people of the same sex should be married and that while everyone has the right to their own opinion, that is not the way that her mommy felt, but that she would have to make her own decision about how she felt.  I explained to her that while Mommy and Daddy are married, our friends that are gay can’t get married.  Her response, “Well, that doesn’t seem very fair.”  Once again, I have immense pride for that precious, special, loving child of mine. Sometimes, I think we would all be better off if we took more of our cues from children.  Oh yeah, as a side note, after learning the multiple meanings of the word gay, she came home from school and told me that when she had to write a story during school that day, she wrote, “I am gay. (dramatic pause) Oh yeah, gay means happy.”  HA HA.  I am sure she did it purely for shock value, because after all, she is her mother’s child.

My friend Jen's son who is too adorable for words.  

So, this guy was super scary, but the kids scared him more than he scared them.  Every time they came close, he showed his fangs, hissed and hid behind is feathers. 

Collis' Face Paint

Lila's Face Paint

The festival was a blast!  I made t-shirts for us that said, “Got Equality?”  and had the rainbow flag colors in a stripe below.  Lila had the choice whether to wear one as I didn’t want to feel like I was using her to make a statement.  She chose to wear one, much to my continued pride.  At the festival, they had face painting, balloons, candy galore, live music, a beer/wine garden and so much more.  The kids loved every minute of it, especially getting their faces painted.  There was this one, perfect moment on Saturday that I wish I could really express in pictures and words.  We were sitting on the grass listening to the music, the kids running around playing, sun shining and a girl came on singing a slower song. The rainbow flags were flapping in the breeze and people started blowing bubbles.  As I looked around, it was this perfect moment of harmony and I felt tears coming to my eyes.  At that moment, it wasn’t about anything else other than people of so many different cultures and lifestyles, coming together in perfect harmony.  I couldn’t help but think to myself that I wished that my children could grow up in a world that was like that all the time, where everyone was so accepting of each other.  It was one of those moment s in life that will stick with me a long time.

Bubbles.  I had the camera on auto-focus, so it didn't get the bubbles as clear as I wished. 

On Sunday, we went back for the parade and once again, I found myself inspired and amazed.  The first several groups in the parade were high school “Equality Clubs” and “Gay-Straight” alliances.  There were also a bunch of church groups marching in the parade who were all about acceptance.  I sat there and though about how far we have come and I got teary-eyed yet again.  While we still have a long way to go, we have made huge strides since even I was in high school.  I know we still have a long way to go, but I am hopeful that I will continue to see a more accepting world in my lifetime and definitely in the lives of my children. For me personally, it isn’t just about accepting homosexuality, but about working toward being more accepting of all of our differences. As MLK, Jr., said, “I have a dream…”

I know that it may seem as I have been talking a lot more about my personal beliefs on things like homosexuality.  It seems as if I have reached a point in my life where I can no longer be quiet about things that matter to me.  I found another quote from MLK, Jr., that sums up how I feel. 

” Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.” 

Memorial Day - We still remember!

For over eleven years, I have had the privilege of being married to a soldier in the United States Army.  Yes, I did say privilege.  I know a lot of people when they think about an Army spouse, think about the separations and the sacrifice, but it has given me so much.   It gives me pride in my husband, myself and my family every single day.  

On the flip side, we have also seen our share of loss.  On this Memorial Day, I will remember those men and their families.  Here are just a few that if you knew, you were privileged.  If you didn’t, you should have and at least I can tell you just a little about them.   

The picture above is of our Memorial Wall at our house, which serves as a constant reminder, not that we need a visual one as these soldiers each live on in our hearts and minds. It also is a great tool for teaching our children about these soldiers' sacrifices.

SPC Steven Ray Givens – May 8, 2005

 Givens was killed in Iraq on Mother’s Day in 2005.  He was the first person from Hardrock, 1-15 Infantry killed in action during that deployment.  He also served with Cory in Korea in 1999-2000 in 2-9 Infantry.  The guys all say he was constantly cracking jokes and making everyone laugh. I can’t imagine being his mother and finding out about losing your son on any day, but especially not on Mother’s Day.  She said he had sent her flowers that year, which was the first time he had ever done it.  I think of her often, but especially as I celebrate Mother’s Day with my children every year. Remember him.

 - http://www.militarytimes.com/valor/army-spc-steven-r-givens/853756/

SSG Jason Alan Benford- September 27, 2005, Ramadi, Iraq

 

Jason and Cory were really good friends at Ft. Benning.  They were in the same company when Cory first got to Benning and it seemed their careers ran parallel in a lot of ways.  They completed Bradley Master Gunner Course and BNCOC (Basic Non-commissioned Officer’s Course) together.  At Master Gunner School, Jason was the Distinguished Honor Grad and Cory to this day will tell you Jason is the only reason he passed .After we all became friends, we found out that his wife Kim’s mom grew up with my step-dad, so there was a crazy family connection on top of their friendship.

Before leaving for Iraq, Jason moved to 2-69 Infantry, with some company reorganization, so when they left for Iraq, Cory and him were with different units and in different areas of Iraq. I’ll never forget the day I found out and then had to break the news to Cory.  It was heart-breaking.  Jason was killed by a sniper in Ramadi and while I know it is wrong, I take great comfort in the fact that the sniper who shot him, was taken out by a U.S. Army Sniper shortly after from what I have read.

Jason left behind a wife and two beautiful sons.  I’ll never forget watching Kim as she went through the immediate aftermath of losing Jason and the funeral.  I watched her with great pride as an Army spouse and thought to myself that if ever I should lose my husband, I only prayed that I could handle it with the grace, strength and pride that she did.  None of us would ever want to lose our spouse, but she is an example of how we could only hope to handle ourselves in that situation. 

We remember Jason on a regular basis.  Our youngest son, Grayson shares his middle name and my daughter, Lila, shares his birthday, June 8^th, so Jason is always a part of our family.  We still talk of him often and are still stunned on a regular basis when we see pictures of his sons and how quickly they are growing up.

We love you, Jason and remember you always.  I am sure that your hair is perfectly groomed and you are as beautiful as always in heaven.

http://www.militarytimes.com/valor/army-staff-sgt-jason-a-benford/1146228/

On October 17, 2005, one of the Bradley Fighting Vehicles in Cory’s company was hit by an IED and caught on fire, injuring several of our soldiers from Hardrock, 1-15 Infantry. Over the following weeks, we watched these soldiers fight to overcome their injuries, but for several, the injuries were too much. It was a very difficult time for the soldiers and families of Hardrock as we lost these wonderful soldiers.  I can remember that time so well as we attended what seemed like an endless line of Memorial Services on Kelly Hill and how many times, I fought the urge to just not go, but knowing it was the right thing to do, to show our support for those families.  I knew that if it was difficult for me, it could only be infinitely more difficult to the families of these soldiers.

SSG George T. Alexander October 22, 2005

 SSG Alexander, or A-Train as the guys called him, was a charismatic guy.  I’ll never forget the first time I met him at a platoon dinner before the deployment.  He came into dinner late, but dressed like he was headed out on a hot date.  He had a smile that could light up a room.  As soon as he walked in the door, I told Cory, “Alexander smells GOOOOOD.”  I still to this day don’t know what kind of cologne he was wearing, but I could smell him across the room.  J I know the guys all loved him and he left behind several children who must still be missing their Daddy to this day.

Funny story about Alexander is that while in Kuwait, he was racing another soldier and broke his wrist.  If nothing else, our guys are always competitive.

SSG Alexander was also the 2,000 U.S. Soldier to be killed in Iraq.  Over the days after his death, it seemed every time I turned on a news channel, they were using his death to make a political point.  I was pissed as all I could think is that his death shouldn’t be used to make someone’s point, that he was a soldier, a man, a husband, a father, a son and so much more.  He wasn’t a number to be used in a political debate.  Apparently, I wasn’t the only one as one of the writer’s over at Blackfive put into words what I was feeling.

http://www.blackfive.net/main/2005/10/godspeed_staff_.html

SGT Michael T. Robertson October 25, 2005

SGT Robertson (Doc Rob) was the medic on the Bradley that day in 2005. He was the senior line medic for Hardrock and always went out with 1^st platoon.  He left behind a wife, Tanya, who was also a medic and his son, Xavier. I never met Doc Rob, but I know all the guys cared for him deeply and he is missed.

http://www.landstuhlhospitalcareproject.org/Honorees/Michael%20T.%20Robertson/Michael%20T.%20Robertson.htm

SPC Darren Howe November 03, 2005

 Darren was driving the Bradley that day that it was hit by an IED and even though injured, he managed to keep driving and get the Bradley safely to the side of the road.  He left behind a wife, Nakia, and two small children.  I am friends with Nakia on Facebook and every time I see her name pop up, I can’t help but remember.  She seems to be doing okay and she posts of Darren often.  I was friends with Darren’s stepdad during the deployment and he kept us updated as Darren was sent to San Antonio for treatment which is where he was when he died of the wounds he received that horrific day.  Darren was originally Cory’s Bradley driver at the beginning of the deployment, but had to come home for surgery and then went back to Iraq.  That’s just the kind of soldier he was…

http://beatricedailysun.com/news/local/obituaries/article_3ee14cd0-00ce-5995-8f15-b1f5d2927d52.html

SFC Alwyn C. Cashe - November 8, 2005

Cashe was the Bradley Commander of the vehicle that day.  Although severely burned and soaked in diesel fuel, he went back in the Bradley to help pull guys out.  He was awarded the Silver Star for his actions, but currently the soldiers of Hardrock, his leadership and a fabulous man by the name of Harry are working to have that award upgraded to a Medal of Honor, which he no doubt deserves.  I think of Cashe every time I hear the song by Big & Rich, the 8^th of November, just because that is the date he died.  Cashe always caught attention, because he loved country music and hunting and was black.  No, it’s probably not politically correct, but among the military it hardly ever is.  They told him he was the whitest black man they knew.  Cory teased him about listening to Trisha Yearwood the first time he ever rode with him in his truck.  One of Cashe’s favorite sayings was, “Do what I mean, not what I said.  You know what I meant to say!” 

http://www.blackfive.net/main/2011/09/sfc-alwyn-c-cashe.html

SSG Roy P. Lewsader June 16, 2007, Afghanistan

 SSG Lewsader was in Hardrock during the 2005 deployment and was killed in Afghanistan in 2007.  He left behind a wife and five children. FIVE children that are without a father today because he made the ultimate sacrifice to keep all of us safe.  So, as you think about your life and your families, remember him today.

http://tribstar.com/local/x1155697888/Family-of-Staff-Sgt-Roy-P-Lewsader-Jr-is-dealing-with-loss-of-man-with-heart-of-gold

1SG Kenneth (Kenny) Elwell - July 17, 2011

Kenny was killed in Afghanistan on July 17, 2011 while with 1^st Stryker Brigade Combat Team, 25^th Infantry Division.  Before being assigned to 1 SBCT, 25^th Infantry Division, he was on Kelly Hill with Cory for many years and went to Master Gunner School with both Cory and Jason Benford in 2004.  He left behind a wife, daughter and son.  Like so many of our soldiers, he was much more than just a soldier, he was a son, brother, husband, father and friend.   

http://www.phillyburbs.com/family-remembers-fallen-soldier-a-northampton-native-and-cr-grad/article_5b4727b7-8003-579f-882e-eb9a78ab2c76.html

I know for too many people, Memorial Day is a day about grilling out and enjoying a day off work.  I just hope everyone takes a small second this Memorial Day to focus on what it is truly about, remembering the men and women who have made the ultimate sacrifice.  Remember that those men have a name and left behind families and fellow soldiers that continue to miss them today.  If you have children, please make sure they know what this holiday means.  We will remember and celebrate the great friends we have lost and all the others that came before and after them.  We love you all. You are missed. You are our heroes.

 From Cory:

Every America tonight should sit down at the dinner table and look into their children’s eyes and think about the future and how thankful they are for their children to grow up free and to have the ability to pursue the life they have always wanted.  Think about exactly how much a Soldier sacrifices and gives to preserve that very freedom and how much they pay in blood, sweat and tears literally. Soldiers willingly walk a dangerous path fully knowing the hazards of their chosen profession and all the possible outcomes; understanding what they leave behind.   

My comrades remind me of John 15:13, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”  On the battlefield, it doesn’t matter what your race, religion, or sexual preference is.  What matters is that you are there beside me defeating the enemies of our nation.  Whether to capture or to kill the enemy depends on whether or not they are a hostile threat to the very freedom we are here to preserve.  God help the enemy if he faces me and you for we will not stop until we are victorious.  We have been there many times and we have seen death. Many Soldiers carry invisible scars and burdens; mostly the loss of a friend and comrade. We willingly accept this so our children and children’s children don’t have to. Many Soldiers have tattoos to make hidden scars more visible to others; to remember their fallen brothers.  They are only there for others to look at, but not to discuss unless they were there.  If you were not there you will never be expected to understand. You will not be judge because you weren’t. Only the 1% of the nation is capable of showing up for the fight. I recognize this as a great privilege and honor to do so. All a Soldier wants is just a simple Thank You. To preserve the future for our children there is no price we will not pay.  I give a moment of silence to Honor all of the Fallen Heroes of this wonderful Nation.  God speed and God bless.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there and especially to the woman that was instrumental to making me the mother and person I am today, my mom.

My mom was a wild child to put it lightly.  She got married young and had me just a few years later.  In a lot of ways, I think we grew up together.  I know a lot of people think that is a bad thing, but for me, it wasn't. My mom never had that problem that so many young moms experience.  You know that problem where you want to be your children's friend rather than their Mom.  Nope, not my mom.  She was 100% a mom.  You would think having such a young Mom that I would have had it easy and that she would have been a little more lax than older Moms.  Nope, didn't happen.  She was a lot stricter than my friends moms. Maybe strict isn't even the word for it.  She was on top of things.  She always knew where I was, who I was with and what I was doing.  She would call parents when I stayed the night off to find out if I was really staying there and she ALWAYS knew when I was lying.  I guess that is the result of her being such a wild child herself.  She knew all the tricks. I HATED it growing up.  It's only as an adult that I am thankful that she was the type of Mom that she was and only after having my own children do I realize how much easier it would have been for her to be the easy going Mom that didn't stay on top of things.  Being the strict Mom that demands a certain level of behavior is HARD work. 

I can remember growing up thinking of all the things I would NEVER do when I had children, only to grow up and realize I become more and more like my mother EVERY SINGLE DAY! Even more surprisingly is that I am okay with becoming more like her, as a matter of fact I feel a little pride a lot of times when I realize I handled something the same way my Mom would have handled it. 

My Granny Grace, or Granny Sweetie Duck as I always called her, (Mom's mom) is getting older and her health is in the decline.  We are all so sad as we love our Granny Grace something fierce. I see my mom (and others)  working so hard to take care of her and it makes me proud and sad as well.   I love that even when it is hard, my Mom is still doing the right thing.  It also makes me think about the fact that one day, I will probably lose my own mother.  I can't imagine that day every coming, as my Mother has always been a constant in my life.  With Granny Grace getting sicker, I reflect more on the things we leave our children with, our legacy some might say.  I'm not talking about the physical things, but those things that become a part of us, that we hopefully pass onto our own children. 

Some of the things my Mom has taught me that I hope I do a good job at teaching my own children:

Be compassionate.  Be tolerant.    Say "I Love You." A lot. Have fun.  Be silly.  Laugh loudly.  Take time to enjoy the little things.  Play in the dirt.  Take time to drink your coffee on the porch.  Get outside.    Be proud.  Even when you don't have a dime to your name, you still have each other and that's what matters.  Love each other.  Respect your elders.  Respect yourself.  Be open-minded. Try new things.  Don't be afraid to take a vacation by yourself.  Take care of each other. Saying "No" to your children sometimes is love.  Give your children chores. Under your roof, your rules. Work hard. Play hard. Tell them the things you love about them.  Pick your battles.  Make sure you children know they can talk to you about anything.  It's never too late to improve your life.  Try your best in school.  Don't make excuses, make changes.  Don't hit your sister/brother (even when I'm not around). Don't lie, the punishment will be worse. Work hard to earn and more importantly, deserve, people's trust.  Do the right thing, even when it isn't the easy thing. Love each other. Sing songs with your kids when you are driving down the road, even if they aren't kiddie songs.  They will remember those lyrics and memories forever and sing the same songs with their kids.  "Last kiss" and "Joy to the World"  are a few I still know all the words to. Teach them to fish.  Have an adventurous heart.  Learn to enjoy reading.  Don’t' sweat the small stuff. Most of all, work hard to be the kind of person that makes your Mom, and even more importantly yourself, proud. 

Mom,  even though I am far away, I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day.   Thank you for helping me become the mother and person I am today.  I love you so very much.

I am a "good enough" parent

With Mother's Day around the corner, I thought it was a good time to write a post dedicated to all of us parents. A term I have heard quite a few times lately is "good enough parent."  The first time I heard it, I didn't like it very much.  It sounded kind of like a cop out, but the more I heard it, the more it has grown on me.  So, this post is dedicated to all of us "good enough" parents out there, myself included.

When I got pregnant with my first child, I had all of these ideas about the kind of parent I would become.  I knew what my expectations would be and exactly how my children would behave.  And then, 9+ months later, my daughter came into this world, beet red and screaming at the world and reality hit.  I realized very quickly, even as an infant, that she was her own little person and while I could teach her right from wrong and try to mold her into the child I would like her to be, she would always just be her.  Fast forward 5-years and we added Collis to the mix.  He is my wild child who breaks all the rules.   Another 2+ years and we added baby Grayson. Now, I am a stay at home Mom, with three children, (7, 2 and 3 months) who spends a lot of the time with my husband at work or gone completely on training exercises or deployments.  I have definitely learned what it means to be a "good enough" parent.

To me, what a "good enough" parent means is that we each do the best we can.  We are imperfect.  We don't always have it together 100%, but we keep trying. Being a "good enough" parent to me means:

·         My daughter sometimes gets dressed out of the dryer because I haven't managed to fold the clothes, but she does have clean clothes at least.

·         The school sometimes has to call to remind me that I forgot to turn in the permission form for the school field trip, so I stop what I'm doing and run it up there.

·         Collis may still be wearing PJs at dinner time if we haven't left the house, but he is dressed at least (most of the time)

·         Lunch may sometimes consist of a hot dog and canned fruit, but they are fed.

·         I sometimes yell too much, but I am working on it.  I also spend time talking softly and telling my children I love them.

·         My near 3-year old is not potty trained, mostly because it is a battle I don't have the energy to fight all the time.

·         I can't always stop what I am doing to give them 100% of my attention.  However, when Collis wanted to sit in my lap for me to read "Where the Wild Things Are" in the middle of writing this post, I did.

·         Sometimes Collis is horrible in the store and I just shrug my shoulders to other people that give me dirty looks.

So, this is dedicated to all the other "good enough" moms (and dads) out there. We aren't perfect, but we are trying our best to be the parents our kids deserve. We take it day by day and moment by moment. I hope that each of you have a wonderful Mother's Day and know that you are "good enough".