Getting closer...

We are in the middle of pre-deployment madness and it has been a crazy couple of weeks, only to be followed by some more craziness.  It is complete insanity around here to put it mildly. We have Town Hall meetings, Family Readiness Group meetings, will appointments and various other ceremonies and commitments.  Add to that a revolving door of family at our house the past couple of months, schoolwork, my own personal roller-coaster of emotions and trying to get ourselves ready to face this deployment and it is a recipe for being institutionalized or to just laugh at the craziness and drive on.  As I have three kids and a hubby that might need me around, I tend to aim for the laughter rather than the strait jacket. I have to admit that some days the strait jacket seems imminent, though!

The past week had several events that really put just how close our upcoming deployment is in to perspective.  We had our Casing of the Colors ceremony and a Warrior Send-Off ceremony and lunch hosted by our chaplain. For those of you that aren’t familiar, the Casing of the Colors is a ceremony where the unit colors (flags) are cased (put in protective sleeves) in preparation for the upcoming deployment.  They will travel with them to their destination at which time they will be uncased. It is a wonderful ceremony, steeped in history but quite bittersweet for all it signifies. The ceremony was held on the Parade Field here on post which has a fantastic view of Mt. Rainier and while a little chilly, it was a beautiful day. 

Following the ceremony, we moved to the Chapel for a Warrior Send-Off hosted by our chaplain.  We had a short ceremony in the sanctuary followed by a potluck lunch.  The ceremony was pretty awesome as it gave married couples a chance to renew their commitment to remaining faithful to each other during the deployment and everyone the opportunity to commit to remaining faithful to God, their families and their values. It was a blessing to me and I hope all the other families that attended.  I with my normal GRACE did manage to have the lid come off the bottle of Coffee Mate I was holding and the whole bottle dropped to the table and splashed EVERYWHERE!  Yep, that’s me!  ALL…THE…TIME! Luckily, not very many people noticed or at least I am pretending they didn’t. 

Also this weekend, my sister and brother-in-law came for a quick visit from Georgia.  For those of you that don’t know, my sister married Cory’s best friend, Brian.  It was an awesome time and we really enjoyed spending time with them.  The only thing that was missing was our nephews and niece.  I can’t wait to see them all when we travel home around Christmas.  It was their first time getting to meet Grayson, so that was pretty great.  Of course, the worst part of the entire visit was having to drop them off at the airport on Sunday evening.  I think sometime being 3,000 miles away from home; I don’t always realize how much I miss my family until I get to see them.  I have to admit that it made me a little homesick. I am so very thankful for the time that we did get to spend together, though.  It was a great visit and full of laughter.  We didn’t really do a whole lot of travelling and seeing, but just enjoyed spending time with each other. 

It has been crazy and the negative to all of it is that at the end of this weekend, I started realizing how fast time is going by and how close it is to putting my hubby on that plane for his “Army-mandated extended vacation” as I like to call it, although it will in no way be a vacation for him or us.  I am such a mixture of emotions these days, rotating between melancholy, sad, a little scared and so very, very proud of my husband and all the soldiers with whom he is deploying.  I know that as with all deployments, this one will have moments that I will remember forever, some sad but also so many that will leave me with an immense sense of pride and purpose as a military spouse and pride for my fellow spouses.  I will find myself awestruck by the dignity, strength, compassion and support my fellow Army wives will show and I know we will make it through…together. 

Pre-Deployment: Phase 1

In my Bible Study with the other wives from our unit this past week, we were discussing the stress of the upcoming deployment and the effects it can have on our relationships with our spouses.  We all talked about how for some of us, we tend to fight a lot more prior to deployment. For others, we cling to each other, trying to take advantage of every single moment we have left together. For Cory and I, this has changed with every deployment.  I’m not sure if it is having been through multiple deployments, age, experience or how long we have been together, but it has definitely changed.  

With our first couple of deployments, we fought prior to the deployment… a lot.  It wasn’t necessarily about anything major, but we were short-tempered and grouchy with each other.  I know I was super-sensitive and took every little slight personally.  I think part of this was we were a lot newer in our relationship.  Even though we were already married, we still were uncertain about the future in a lot of ways. Plus, we weren’t used to the “Deployment Cycle” as we call it. I’m not talking about the actual deployment cycle, but the emotional one you go through with a deployment.  There are several distinct phases as I see it and everyone handles them differently.  Now, please know, I am no expert, just someone who has done it a couple of times or so.  The great news is that as we have become more aware of each of these phases, we have adapted and deal with them much better, especially the pre-deployment and reintegration phases. 

Pre-deployment: This is the time leading up to a deployment.  Both spouses are stressed about the upcoming deployment.  They may be fearful, angry, on edge, sad or any other multitude of feelings.  I think a lot of us find ourselves working through the 5 stages of grief:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance and maybe not even in that order.  Some of us never make it from denial to acceptance until after they are gone. I have to admit, that one is hard. With each deployment, I have found that I make it through these stages much quicker. This is when you may find yourself taking things personal or being snappy. 

1^st month following deployment: This one is the hardest for me to be honest.  This is the time when I have to get my moping out of the way, do my crying and allow myself time to be sad.  However, by the end of that first month, I normally find myself getting in a groove and things start to get easier. This is also the time when things around the house/car are most likely to break.  You have to love our dear friend Murphy. 

Rest of Deployment: This is the time that passes the fastest for me.  I know it sounds crazy, but once I get in my groove, time seems to go by pretty fast.  There will be speed bumps along the way and ups/downs, but for the most part, time just passes along. 

Last Month:  Okay, back to the hard part again.  This month DRAGS by for me.  It is also when I find myself getting really scared again.  I think it is just that we have made it so far, I find myself fearful that something will happen right there at the end.  I know, seems like I would be celebrating that we hit the home stretch, but that isn’t always my reaction, unfortunately.  This is also the time I start getting stressed again.  Gotta get the house clean, yard cut, fridge stocked with his favorite foods, etc.  I know this is a little bit of insanity as honestly, he is going to be so happy to be home, the other is just extra. 

Homecoming/reintegration:  Okay, so this one can be a little bit of a letdown sometimes.  Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing better than having them home, but sometimes we have these fantastic expectations of homecoming and the reality isn’t quite what we expect.  One, the first couple of days, they can be exhausted.  We are going ninety to nothing wanting to catch up and after hugging everyone, they sometimes just want REST. Also, after a lengthy separation, it can take a while to get back to “normal” or the “new normal” as I like to call it.  They have changed.  We have changed.  It can take a bit of time to figure it all out.  I can remember telling Cory one time when he was hovering in the kitchen after getting home and I had ran into him several times, “You are just in the way.”  I know, not my finest moment, but he was literally in my way.  For me, it takes time to get adjusted to having another person in the house again. It takes adjustment with the kids as well.  They are used to Mom being the one to go to for permission/questions which can leave Dad feeling left out.  Once again, I don’t want this to sound all negative. It isn’t.  Re-integration can be one of the most wonderful things in the world. I mean, what can be better than having them safely at home in your arms again?  I have just learned to go into reintegration with fewer expectations and a lot more flexibility. 

Now, with our upcoming deployment I have to say that the pre-deployment phase is going a lot more smoothly than it used to.  I think a lot of it is that I am past the point of taking things personal and I tend to be a little more empathetic to the stress this time puts on my husband.  I don’t take it as personal if he comes home grouchy and strained and I do tend to let him get away with a little more.  My feelings are a little tougher and I know that it isn’t really aimed at me; I am just getting the him that is left at the end of a hard day. Now, that isn’t to say that I let him be a butt without being called on it, but I do let a lot more than normal slide.  I know it is a hard time for all of us and I try to understand that with deployment this close, it is sometimes difficult to let work go and relax.  Another thing we do now is joke about it a lot more, like I found myself saying the other day, “There is only so much of your grouchiness and attitude I can take before I start giving it back.” It was said in as a joke, with just a little bit of honesty thrown in.  J  I’d like to think he lets a lot more slide as well, knowing that I am stressed as well. 

I guess in my own long-winded way, I am trying to say to all my friends going through this with me, you aren’t alone.  We are all going through it together and we each deal with it differently.  Try to give yourself (and your spouse) a little leeway, especially if this is your first deployment.  It is stressful.  It is hard.  As I told a friend the other day, repeat after me, “I’ve got this and when I don’t; my fellow Tommie Girls have it for me.”

The Not-So-Happy, but Still Happy Part of Army Life

So, every once in a while on this wild ride of Army life, something really amazing happens.  You move somewhere new, away from family and friends, a little nervous and a little lonely.  Then, you meet that special someone who makes it all better.  No, I am not talking about a man, because I already am happily married. I am talking about a friend, a fellow Army spouse who you just click with and who GETS you in all your craziness.  Luckily, in the nearly 12 years I have been around the Army, I have met several of these ladies.  Most recently, that wonderful lady is my friend, Jen. 

Harrison looking all serious.

Jen and Eric. I bet he is rolling his eyes!

I actually met Jen shortly after we moved here.  After we had met a couple of times, we found we had a mutual love of wine and it's been a perfect match ever since.  Jen's husband, Eric, is pretty great, too.  We also love her precious boys Weston and Harrison. We just click is the only way I know to describe it.  I think it is that we both realize we are pretty insane.  Most of the time we get together, it is filled with laughter, insane conversation, wine and lots of eye rolls from our husbands. 
I guess we both consider ourselves pretty lucky that they tolerate us!  You know, we talk about our Army Family all the time.  Well, Jen and her family really are family.  They are just those friends that you know you'll be friends with through the years, no matter where the Army takes you. 


So, on to the not-so-happy, but still happy part of this post.  Jen's husband, Eric, made the Captain's list.  YAY!!!  I am super excited for them!  As a result of Eric making the list, he got orders to report to the Captain's Career Course in Missouri, soon, like really, really soon, like they will be moving in a month or so soon.  The GREAT part of this is that it means no Afghanistan deployment for Eric.  WHEW!  I know that is such a relief for Jen, the boys and their whole family.  I am so very, very happy for them!  The not-so-happy part is that they are leaving much sooner than I was prepared for them to leave.  I know, it isn't all about me, but I still get to be sad.  I'm gonna miss Jen something terrible.  Of course, the Army world is a small one and I am sure we will end up together again.  I am counting on it! 

Love Weston's grin!

So, that's it.  My not-so-happy, but still happy story.  I love you, Jen and I am going to miss you something awful. In the meanwhile, we will have to take advantage of every chance we get to make our husband's roll their eyes at us!

Equality, Love and Raising my Children

So, it has taken me a week or so to get around to this post.  What can I say, it has been a busy week.  Recently, some of the girls I have met in Washington and myself went to the Equality Festival in Olympia that was hosted by Capital City Pride. The slogan for this year was, “Celebrate Community, Defend Equality.”  I have been to some pride festivals before and was at first hesitant to take my children as they can be a little racy.  However, this one was specifically geared towards families, so I wasn’t as worried about my children seeing anything inappropriate.  The festival was several days and we ended up going on Saturday for the festival fun and then again on Sunday for the parade.  We had so much fun and for me personally, it was a great place for my children to be, to see so many people united, accepting and just getting along in general. 

I know everyone has their own views on festivals of this nature and homosexuality.  Me personally, I don’t have an issue with it at all, so I will go ahead and put that out there.  I honestly think love is love is love and as long as it is pure of heart, then more power to you. However, to each their own as far as their opinions.  I know that my personal beliefs don’t necessarily jive with a lot of mainstream Christian thoughts. That said, I don’t want this to come across as a big political and/or religious post, but more about what I feel it is important to expose my children to and the kind of people I hope they become in the future. It is about the parent I need to be for myself and the things I feel it is important for my children to know.  I don’t need to debate you on how I feel if you have a difference of opinion.  I will respect your right to your opinion, so long as you respect mine.

It was really interesting because when we first decided to go to the festival, I really didn’t think I would even have to talk to Lila about it before hand.  I really didn’t think she would even think anything about it if she did see couples of the same sex at the festival as we have friends that are homosexual.  However, just a few days before the event, she asked me what the word “gay” meant on the way to school.  Apparently, the boys at school were telling her that Justin Bieber was gay and she was clueless as to what it meant.  So, I talked to her openly and very frankly about the subject.  I used our friends up here that are homosexual as an example.  While I was worried about a huge conversation and lots of questions, it really wasn’t even much of a blip on her radar and when I asked her what she thought she would say the next time someone said something like that, her response was, “So what if he is?  BIG DEAL.”  I have to say, the pride I felt in my child at that moment is indescribably.  I know that one day, she will have to make her own decisions about how she feels on a whole lot of subjects, but the one thing I hope I can do as a parent is make sure she knows that despite her opinions and beliefs, it is NEVER okay to be ugly to someone because they don’t believe the same thing.  She knows I won’t tolerate bullying in any way, shape or form. Later in the week before the festival we also talked about the point of the festival and I explained that some people don’t think that people of the same sex should be married and that while everyone has the right to their own opinion, that is not the way that her mommy felt, but that she would have to make her own decision about how she felt.  I explained to her that while Mommy and Daddy are married, our friends that are gay can’t get married.  Her response, “Well, that doesn’t seem very fair.”  Once again, I have immense pride for that precious, special, loving child of mine. Sometimes, I think we would all be better off if we took more of our cues from children.  Oh yeah, as a side note, after learning the multiple meanings of the word gay, she came home from school and told me that when she had to write a story during school that day, she wrote, “I am gay. (dramatic pause) Oh yeah, gay means happy.”  HA HA.  I am sure she did it purely for shock value, because after all, she is her mother’s child.

My friend Jen's son who is too adorable for words.  

So, this guy was super scary, but the kids scared him more than he scared them.  Every time they came close, he showed his fangs, hissed and hid behind is feathers. 

Collis' Face Paint

Lila's Face Paint

The festival was a blast!  I made t-shirts for us that said, “Got Equality?”  and had the rainbow flag colors in a stripe below.  Lila had the choice whether to wear one as I didn’t want to feel like I was using her to make a statement.  She chose to wear one, much to my continued pride.  At the festival, they had face painting, balloons, candy galore, live music, a beer/wine garden and so much more.  The kids loved every minute of it, especially getting their faces painted.  There was this one, perfect moment on Saturday that I wish I could really express in pictures and words.  We were sitting on the grass listening to the music, the kids running around playing, sun shining and a girl came on singing a slower song. The rainbow flags were flapping in the breeze and people started blowing bubbles.  As I looked around, it was this perfect moment of harmony and I felt tears coming to my eyes.  At that moment, it wasn’t about anything else other than people of so many different cultures and lifestyles, coming together in perfect harmony.  I couldn’t help but think to myself that I wished that my children could grow up in a world that was like that all the time, where everyone was so accepting of each other.  It was one of those moment s in life that will stick with me a long time.

Bubbles.  I had the camera on auto-focus, so it didn't get the bubbles as clear as I wished. 

On Sunday, we went back for the parade and once again, I found myself inspired and amazed.  The first several groups in the parade were high school “Equality Clubs” and “Gay-Straight” alliances.  There were also a bunch of church groups marching in the parade who were all about acceptance.  I sat there and though about how far we have come and I got teary-eyed yet again.  While we still have a long way to go, we have made huge strides since even I was in high school.  I know we still have a long way to go, but I am hopeful that I will continue to see a more accepting world in my lifetime and definitely in the lives of my children. For me personally, it isn’t just about accepting homosexuality, but about working toward being more accepting of all of our differences. As MLK, Jr., said, “I have a dream…”

I know that it may seem as I have been talking a lot more about my personal beliefs on things like homosexuality.  It seems as if I have reached a point in my life where I can no longer be quiet about things that matter to me.  I found another quote from MLK, Jr., that sums up how I feel. 

” Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”