Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?

With the current deployment just starting, I am reflecting a lot on the hubby's past deployments and our marriage.  To some, the picture above may seem counter intuitive.  I mean seriously, who could possibly think that separation could be good for a marriage? Well, in all seriousness, Cory and I used to feel this way and to some extent it still holds true. Prior to our 7th Anniversary, he had already been deployed 4 times for a total of about 40 months.  That isn't counting the numerous field problems and trips to the National Training Center.  We pretty much spent that time as newlyweds as we never spent more than about 18-months together at one time.  We got to experience the honey moon phase over and over.  Of course, we also got to experience that first difficult couple of years as a married couple over and over again. I do have to say that when you don't get to be with your spouse all the time, you definitely learn to not take them for granted.  You learn to appreciate them more.  As a matter of fact, when we found out my husband was actually going to be home for a while we joked that we weren't sure how much we would even like each other if we had to live together that long with no field problems or deployments.  Well, prior to this deployment we were blessed with being able to spend 4 years straight together with no deployments, the most time we have ever been together in our 11 year marriage. The good news is we survived with our relationship quite intact and stronger than ever.  The not so good news is that we kinda got spoiled by all that time together. 

Today marks the beginning of our 5th deployment together.  Saying good-bye to my husband was as difficult as always. Of course, today was a very different sadness than in the past.  I found myself not nearly as sad for myself and a whole lot more sad for my husband and kids. Maybe it is just age or the fact that I have done this so many times before but I am full confident in my ability to handle it.  Don't get me wrong, I am sad and I will miss my husband something dreadful and worry about him, but I know with the support of my family, friends and most of all my faith, I've got this.  However, I am so very sad for my husband and what I know he'll miss and have to endure.  That part SUCKS for lack of a more eloquent way to say it.

So, I don't know if I agree if absence makes the heart grow fonder and no, I don't thank our happy marriage on deployments and training.  Our happy marriage is due to love, faith, compromise, hard-work, perseverance and just plain stubbornness sometimes. However, the trials we face with separations do add a different deeper appreciation to the time we have together.  How I look forward to that time together at the end of this separation...

The Hard Questions

As a military spouse, there are some things that we discuss with our spouses that a lot of couples never discuss.  With deployments, soldiers are urged to update wills, fill out POAs (Power of Attorney), update life insurance and various other tasks.  I think this is one of the things that the Army does RIGHT.  I greatly dislike those difficult conversations and having to figure out the answers to the hard questions, but at the same time, there is a comfort in knowing that I have discussed those worst case scenarios with my husband and that I know how he would want things handled and vice-versa. 

With deployment looming in the too soon future, my husband and I went through the process of getting all this paperwork in order this last week. He had already taken care of all the updated Powers of Attorney that I would need for the most part while he was deployed so I could take care of anything that needs to be done while gone, from car tags to banking accounts.  We did have to get one more so that I can travel with the kids to Canada without him.  Apparently they have recently gotten stricter about parents taking kids across the border without proof of permission from the other parent.  Custody issues maybe?  

The big things we had to take care of were our wills.  In the past, my husband has always had a will and I haven't.  However, when he went through the process of updating life insurance and such recently, it quickly became apparent that we should both have a will just in case the worst of the worst case happened and something happened to both of us.  As military families we spend so much time worried about our spouse that we rarely consider if something happened to ourselves or even worse, both of us.  Luckily, the Army gives us free attorneys to walk us through this process. I have to say that it was quite helpful as I was lost in the applesauce without the attorney…trusts, executors, life insurance, estates…yep, I was clueless. The JAG attorney was fantastic and walked us through every step.  

  

On top of our wills, we also both now have Advance Directives.  You know those things that basically say whether we want our life prolonged by life support when there is no chance of recovery?  Depressing I know, but I am glad that if put in that position, my husband won’t be forced to make that decision for me as I’ve already made it. We also now have Health Care Power of Attorneys. Also, not a great topic, but just one more thing that makes sure we can make decisions for the other if one of us is incapacitated.  The last thing that we did this time around that I had never done was a Springing Power of Attorney.  Basically, your normal POA becomes null and void if the person becomes incapacitated. A Springing Power of Attorney (or Military POA in the military) goes into effect “if” the person is incapacitated.  Once again, it just allows one of us to handle the others affairs if they couldn’t. 

These are just a few of the things that we have discussed as a military family.  Others include our funerals, cremation vs. burial, where, etc.  For some people, this is morbid.  For us, it has become regular conversation. 

That being said, these conversations are hard.  It isn’t fun to think of something happening to your spouse, or I have learned, yourself.  It pretty much sucks.  However, whether you are a military family or not I urge you to do it.  Have those conversations. Draw up a will. If you feel strongly about your life being prolonged artificially, get an Advanced Directive. I have seen firsthand what people go through when they lose a loved one and there isn’t a will or when someone dies suddenly and they don’t have a clue what their loved ones’ wishes would be. We have all seen stories on the news of family battles when someone is on life support. A lot of times we think, “Oh, I’m young, I don’t need a will, yet.” Please, do it for yourself, do it for your spouse and if you have children, please do it for them. If you are a military family, take advantage of the services offered by JAG for free. Also, if you are having these conversations for the first time, know it gets easier.  As weird as it may seem, the more you talk about this subject, the less taboo it seems.  Or at least that’s the way it is for me.I know none of us wants to think about this subject, it would be weird if we did.  However,I think we need to have them.

Getting closer...

We are in the middle of pre-deployment madness and it has been a crazy couple of weeks, only to be followed by some more craziness.  It is complete insanity around here to put it mildly. We have Town Hall meetings, Family Readiness Group meetings, will appointments and various other ceremonies and commitments.  Add to that a revolving door of family at our house the past couple of months, schoolwork, my own personal roller-coaster of emotions and trying to get ourselves ready to face this deployment and it is a recipe for being institutionalized or to just laugh at the craziness and drive on.  As I have three kids and a hubby that might need me around, I tend to aim for the laughter rather than the strait jacket. I have to admit that some days the strait jacket seems imminent, though!

The past week had several events that really put just how close our upcoming deployment is in to perspective.  We had our Casing of the Colors ceremony and a Warrior Send-Off ceremony and lunch hosted by our chaplain. For those of you that aren’t familiar, the Casing of the Colors is a ceremony where the unit colors (flags) are cased (put in protective sleeves) in preparation for the upcoming deployment.  They will travel with them to their destination at which time they will be uncased. It is a wonderful ceremony, steeped in history but quite bittersweet for all it signifies. The ceremony was held on the Parade Field here on post which has a fantastic view of Mt. Rainier and while a little chilly, it was a beautiful day. 

Following the ceremony, we moved to the Chapel for a Warrior Send-Off hosted by our chaplain.  We had a short ceremony in the sanctuary followed by a potluck lunch.  The ceremony was pretty awesome as it gave married couples a chance to renew their commitment to remaining faithful to each other during the deployment and everyone the opportunity to commit to remaining faithful to God, their families and their values. It was a blessing to me and I hope all the other families that attended.  I with my normal GRACE did manage to have the lid come off the bottle of Coffee Mate I was holding and the whole bottle dropped to the table and splashed EVERYWHERE!  Yep, that’s me!  ALL…THE…TIME! Luckily, not very many people noticed or at least I am pretending they didn’t. 

Also this weekend, my sister and brother-in-law came for a quick visit from Georgia.  For those of you that don’t know, my sister married Cory’s best friend, Brian.  It was an awesome time and we really enjoyed spending time with them.  The only thing that was missing was our nephews and niece.  I can’t wait to see them all when we travel home around Christmas.  It was their first time getting to meet Grayson, so that was pretty great.  Of course, the worst part of the entire visit was having to drop them off at the airport on Sunday evening.  I think sometime being 3,000 miles away from home; I don’t always realize how much I miss my family until I get to see them.  I have to admit that it made me a little homesick. I am so very thankful for the time that we did get to spend together, though.  It was a great visit and full of laughter.  We didn’t really do a whole lot of travelling and seeing, but just enjoyed spending time with each other. 

It has been crazy and the negative to all of it is that at the end of this weekend, I started realizing how fast time is going by and how close it is to putting my hubby on that plane for his “Army-mandated extended vacation” as I like to call it, although it will in no way be a vacation for him or us.  I am such a mixture of emotions these days, rotating between melancholy, sad, a little scared and so very, very proud of my husband and all the soldiers with whom he is deploying.  I know that as with all deployments, this one will have moments that I will remember forever, some sad but also so many that will leave me with an immense sense of pride and purpose as a military spouse and pride for my fellow spouses.  I will find myself awestruck by the dignity, strength, compassion and support my fellow Army wives will show and I know we will make it through…together. 

Pre-Deployment: Phase 1

In my Bible Study with the other wives from our unit this past week, we were discussing the stress of the upcoming deployment and the effects it can have on our relationships with our spouses.  We all talked about how for some of us, we tend to fight a lot more prior to deployment. For others, we cling to each other, trying to take advantage of every single moment we have left together. For Cory and I, this has changed with every deployment.  I’m not sure if it is having been through multiple deployments, age, experience or how long we have been together, but it has definitely changed.  

With our first couple of deployments, we fought prior to the deployment… a lot.  It wasn’t necessarily about anything major, but we were short-tempered and grouchy with each other.  I know I was super-sensitive and took every little slight personally.  I think part of this was we were a lot newer in our relationship.  Even though we were already married, we still were uncertain about the future in a lot of ways. Plus, we weren’t used to the “Deployment Cycle” as we call it. I’m not talking about the actual deployment cycle, but the emotional one you go through with a deployment.  There are several distinct phases as I see it and everyone handles them differently.  Now, please know, I am no expert, just someone who has done it a couple of times or so.  The great news is that as we have become more aware of each of these phases, we have adapted and deal with them much better, especially the pre-deployment and reintegration phases. 

Pre-deployment: This is the time leading up to a deployment.  Both spouses are stressed about the upcoming deployment.  They may be fearful, angry, on edge, sad or any other multitude of feelings.  I think a lot of us find ourselves working through the 5 stages of grief:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance and maybe not even in that order.  Some of us never make it from denial to acceptance until after they are gone. I have to admit, that one is hard. With each deployment, I have found that I make it through these stages much quicker. This is when you may find yourself taking things personal or being snappy. 

1^st month following deployment: This one is the hardest for me to be honest.  This is the time when I have to get my moping out of the way, do my crying and allow myself time to be sad.  However, by the end of that first month, I normally find myself getting in a groove and things start to get easier. This is also the time when things around the house/car are most likely to break.  You have to love our dear friend Murphy. 

Rest of Deployment: This is the time that passes the fastest for me.  I know it sounds crazy, but once I get in my groove, time seems to go by pretty fast.  There will be speed bumps along the way and ups/downs, but for the most part, time just passes along. 

Last Month:  Okay, back to the hard part again.  This month DRAGS by for me.  It is also when I find myself getting really scared again.  I think it is just that we have made it so far, I find myself fearful that something will happen right there at the end.  I know, seems like I would be celebrating that we hit the home stretch, but that isn’t always my reaction, unfortunately.  This is also the time I start getting stressed again.  Gotta get the house clean, yard cut, fridge stocked with his favorite foods, etc.  I know this is a little bit of insanity as honestly, he is going to be so happy to be home, the other is just extra. 

Homecoming/reintegration:  Okay, so this one can be a little bit of a letdown sometimes.  Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing better than having them home, but sometimes we have these fantastic expectations of homecoming and the reality isn’t quite what we expect.  One, the first couple of days, they can be exhausted.  We are going ninety to nothing wanting to catch up and after hugging everyone, they sometimes just want REST. Also, after a lengthy separation, it can take a while to get back to “normal” or the “new normal” as I like to call it.  They have changed.  We have changed.  It can take a bit of time to figure it all out.  I can remember telling Cory one time when he was hovering in the kitchen after getting home and I had ran into him several times, “You are just in the way.”  I know, not my finest moment, but he was literally in my way.  For me, it takes time to get adjusted to having another person in the house again. It takes adjustment with the kids as well.  They are used to Mom being the one to go to for permission/questions which can leave Dad feeling left out.  Once again, I don’t want this to sound all negative. It isn’t.  Re-integration can be one of the most wonderful things in the world. I mean, what can be better than having them safely at home in your arms again?  I have just learned to go into reintegration with fewer expectations and a lot more flexibility. 

Now, with our upcoming deployment I have to say that the pre-deployment phase is going a lot more smoothly than it used to.  I think a lot of it is that I am past the point of taking things personal and I tend to be a little more empathetic to the stress this time puts on my husband.  I don’t take it as personal if he comes home grouchy and strained and I do tend to let him get away with a little more.  My feelings are a little tougher and I know that it isn’t really aimed at me; I am just getting the him that is left at the end of a hard day. Now, that isn’t to say that I let him be a butt without being called on it, but I do let a lot more than normal slide.  I know it is a hard time for all of us and I try to understand that with deployment this close, it is sometimes difficult to let work go and relax.  Another thing we do now is joke about it a lot more, like I found myself saying the other day, “There is only so much of your grouchiness and attitude I can take before I start giving it back.” It was said in as a joke, with just a little bit of honesty thrown in.  J  I’d like to think he lets a lot more slide as well, knowing that I am stressed as well. 

I guess in my own long-winded way, I am trying to say to all my friends going through this with me, you aren’t alone.  We are all going through it together and we each deal with it differently.  Try to give yourself (and your spouse) a little leeway, especially if this is your first deployment.  It is stressful.  It is hard.  As I told a friend the other day, repeat after me, “I’ve got this and when I don’t; my fellow Tommie Girls have it for me.”