Message to my Fellow Military Wives

I know there are a lot of us with deployed spouses right now.  Some of us have husbands who have left in the past few months, some in the past few days and some that are leaving very soon.  For some of us, it is just another in a long list of deployments while for others it is our first.  Some of us are new wives, fiancees or girlfriends while others have been married for what may seem like forever.  Some of us work, some of us stay at home, some are new mothers, some have more kids than they can keep up with (that would be me most days). No matter what our differences, there is one thing we all have in common.  We love a soldier.  We will spend the time our soldiers are away keeping the home fires burning and worried about their safety.  Many of us will spend many hours on bended knee praying for their safety and many times our own sanity. We will be lonely.  We will miss them.  We will be scared at times.  We will worry about our soldier's safety and mental health. If we are parents, we will worry about how the separation will impact our children.  We will worry about how the separation will impact our relationship. We will face down Murphy who will rear his ugly head at the most inopportune times.  Deployments can be very scary and as I have often said, sometimes they just SUCK! There is no way around that part. 

I want to focus instead on some of the things that are fantastic about deployments.  Deployments are an awesome opportunity for self-discovery. You will learn so much about yourself as you face the months without your spouse. You may feel weak and scared to begin with but at the end of this journey you will have great pride in your strength and a new found confidence in what you can handle on your own. If you don't already, you will learn that you can do things like check your own oil, figure out what is wrong with a broken washing machine or fix that squeaky stair.  You will find that you are capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for and while the journey may not always be perfect, the rewards will be great. 

Deployments have taught me to learn to ask for help, something that is hard for me.  Hopefully, you will learn to ask for help, too.  It is okay to admit that you can't always do it all and learning to ask for help from others when you need it can be life changing.  Suddenly you realize, it isn't you doing it all on your own.  You have a whole group of people around you who are willing to help if you just ask.  

The other wonderful thing about deployments is the fantastic friendships you will make.  There is nothing like the friendships you will make with other women going through the exact same thing. There is a shared experience that you don't find outside of the military and some of those friendships will last forever. Some of my best friendships in life were made during the WORST deployments.  There is just an unbreakable bond there. When you are feeling down or like you just can't handle it, a good friend is usually just the thing you need. They will commiserate with you, help you when you need a hand, cry with you and at times, be the one to tell you to suck it up and put on your big girl panties.  If you haven't made friends with your fellow spouses, yet, do it NOW!  This it the single most important piece of deployment advice I can give you. 

There is a quote from a Sherrilyn Kenyon book that says, "The strongest steel is forged by the fires of hell. It is pounded and struck repeatedly before it’s plunged back into the molten fire. The fire gives it power and flexibility, and the blows give it strength. Those two things make the metal pliable and able to withstand every battle it’s called upon to fight."  Just remember as you face this deployment that every struggle makes us stronger and more prepared to deal with the next adversity.  You will come out on the other side a stronger person who feels like they can take on so more than you do right now.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?

With the current deployment just starting, I am reflecting a lot on the hubby's past deployments and our marriage.  To some, the picture above may seem counter intuitive.  I mean seriously, who could possibly think that separation could be good for a marriage? Well, in all seriousness, Cory and I used to feel this way and to some extent it still holds true. Prior to our 7th Anniversary, he had already been deployed 4 times for a total of about 40 months.  That isn't counting the numerous field problems and trips to the National Training Center.  We pretty much spent that time as newlyweds as we never spent more than about 18-months together at one time.  We got to experience the honey moon phase over and over.  Of course, we also got to experience that first difficult couple of years as a married couple over and over again. I do have to say that when you don't get to be with your spouse all the time, you definitely learn to not take them for granted.  You learn to appreciate them more.  As a matter of fact, when we found out my husband was actually going to be home for a while we joked that we weren't sure how much we would even like each other if we had to live together that long with no field problems or deployments.  Well, prior to this deployment we were blessed with being able to spend 4 years straight together with no deployments, the most time we have ever been together in our 11 year marriage. The good news is we survived with our relationship quite intact and stronger than ever.  The not so good news is that we kinda got spoiled by all that time together. 

Today marks the beginning of our 5th deployment together.  Saying good-bye to my husband was as difficult as always. Of course, today was a very different sadness than in the past.  I found myself not nearly as sad for myself and a whole lot more sad for my husband and kids. Maybe it is just age or the fact that I have done this so many times before but I am full confident in my ability to handle it.  Don't get me wrong, I am sad and I will miss my husband something dreadful and worry about him, but I know with the support of my family, friends and most of all my faith, I've got this.  However, I am so very sad for my husband and what I know he'll miss and have to endure.  That part SUCKS for lack of a more eloquent way to say it.

So, I don't know if I agree if absence makes the heart grow fonder and no, I don't thank our happy marriage on deployments and training.  Our happy marriage is due to love, faith, compromise, hard-work, perseverance and just plain stubbornness sometimes. However, the trials we face with separations do add a different deeper appreciation to the time we have together.  How I look forward to that time together at the end of this separation...

The Hard Questions

As a military spouse, there are some things that we discuss with our spouses that a lot of couples never discuss.  With deployments, soldiers are urged to update wills, fill out POAs (Power of Attorney), update life insurance and various other tasks.  I think this is one of the things that the Army does RIGHT.  I greatly dislike those difficult conversations and having to figure out the answers to the hard questions, but at the same time, there is a comfort in knowing that I have discussed those worst case scenarios with my husband and that I know how he would want things handled and vice-versa. 

With deployment looming in the too soon future, my husband and I went through the process of getting all this paperwork in order this last week. He had already taken care of all the updated Powers of Attorney that I would need for the most part while he was deployed so I could take care of anything that needs to be done while gone, from car tags to banking accounts.  We did have to get one more so that I can travel with the kids to Canada without him.  Apparently they have recently gotten stricter about parents taking kids across the border without proof of permission from the other parent.  Custody issues maybe?  

The big things we had to take care of were our wills.  In the past, my husband has always had a will and I haven't.  However, when he went through the process of updating life insurance and such recently, it quickly became apparent that we should both have a will just in case the worst of the worst case happened and something happened to both of us.  As military families we spend so much time worried about our spouse that we rarely consider if something happened to ourselves or even worse, both of us.  Luckily, the Army gives us free attorneys to walk us through this process. I have to say that it was quite helpful as I was lost in the applesauce without the attorney…trusts, executors, life insurance, estates…yep, I was clueless. The JAG attorney was fantastic and walked us through every step.  

  

On top of our wills, we also both now have Advance Directives.  You know those things that basically say whether we want our life prolonged by life support when there is no chance of recovery?  Depressing I know, but I am glad that if put in that position, my husband won’t be forced to make that decision for me as I’ve already made it. We also now have Health Care Power of Attorneys. Also, not a great topic, but just one more thing that makes sure we can make decisions for the other if one of us is incapacitated.  The last thing that we did this time around that I had never done was a Springing Power of Attorney.  Basically, your normal POA becomes null and void if the person becomes incapacitated. A Springing Power of Attorney (or Military POA in the military) goes into effect “if” the person is incapacitated.  Once again, it just allows one of us to handle the others affairs if they couldn’t. 

These are just a few of the things that we have discussed as a military family.  Others include our funerals, cremation vs. burial, where, etc.  For some people, this is morbid.  For us, it has become regular conversation. 

That being said, these conversations are hard.  It isn’t fun to think of something happening to your spouse, or I have learned, yourself.  It pretty much sucks.  However, whether you are a military family or not I urge you to do it.  Have those conversations. Draw up a will. If you feel strongly about your life being prolonged artificially, get an Advanced Directive. I have seen firsthand what people go through when they lose a loved one and there isn’t a will or when someone dies suddenly and they don’t have a clue what their loved ones’ wishes would be. We have all seen stories on the news of family battles when someone is on life support. A lot of times we think, “Oh, I’m young, I don’t need a will, yet.” Please, do it for yourself, do it for your spouse and if you have children, please do it for them. If you are a military family, take advantage of the services offered by JAG for free. Also, if you are having these conversations for the first time, know it gets easier.  As weird as it may seem, the more you talk about this subject, the less taboo it seems.  Or at least that’s the way it is for me.I know none of us wants to think about this subject, it would be weird if we did.  However,I think we need to have them.

Getting closer...

We are in the middle of pre-deployment madness and it has been a crazy couple of weeks, only to be followed by some more craziness.  It is complete insanity around here to put it mildly. We have Town Hall meetings, Family Readiness Group meetings, will appointments and various other ceremonies and commitments.  Add to that a revolving door of family at our house the past couple of months, schoolwork, my own personal roller-coaster of emotions and trying to get ourselves ready to face this deployment and it is a recipe for being institutionalized or to just laugh at the craziness and drive on.  As I have three kids and a hubby that might need me around, I tend to aim for the laughter rather than the strait jacket. I have to admit that some days the strait jacket seems imminent, though!

The past week had several events that really put just how close our upcoming deployment is in to perspective.  We had our Casing of the Colors ceremony and a Warrior Send-Off ceremony and lunch hosted by our chaplain. For those of you that aren’t familiar, the Casing of the Colors is a ceremony where the unit colors (flags) are cased (put in protective sleeves) in preparation for the upcoming deployment.  They will travel with them to their destination at which time they will be uncased. It is a wonderful ceremony, steeped in history but quite bittersweet for all it signifies. The ceremony was held on the Parade Field here on post which has a fantastic view of Mt. Rainier and while a little chilly, it was a beautiful day. 

Following the ceremony, we moved to the Chapel for a Warrior Send-Off hosted by our chaplain.  We had a short ceremony in the sanctuary followed by a potluck lunch.  The ceremony was pretty awesome as it gave married couples a chance to renew their commitment to remaining faithful to each other during the deployment and everyone the opportunity to commit to remaining faithful to God, their families and their values. It was a blessing to me and I hope all the other families that attended.  I with my normal GRACE did manage to have the lid come off the bottle of Coffee Mate I was holding and the whole bottle dropped to the table and splashed EVERYWHERE!  Yep, that’s me!  ALL…THE…TIME! Luckily, not very many people noticed or at least I am pretending they didn’t. 

Also this weekend, my sister and brother-in-law came for a quick visit from Georgia.  For those of you that don’t know, my sister married Cory’s best friend, Brian.  It was an awesome time and we really enjoyed spending time with them.  The only thing that was missing was our nephews and niece.  I can’t wait to see them all when we travel home around Christmas.  It was their first time getting to meet Grayson, so that was pretty great.  Of course, the worst part of the entire visit was having to drop them off at the airport on Sunday evening.  I think sometime being 3,000 miles away from home; I don’t always realize how much I miss my family until I get to see them.  I have to admit that it made me a little homesick. I am so very thankful for the time that we did get to spend together, though.  It was a great visit and full of laughter.  We didn’t really do a whole lot of travelling and seeing, but just enjoyed spending time with each other. 

It has been crazy and the negative to all of it is that at the end of this weekend, I started realizing how fast time is going by and how close it is to putting my hubby on that plane for his “Army-mandated extended vacation” as I like to call it, although it will in no way be a vacation for him or us.  I am such a mixture of emotions these days, rotating between melancholy, sad, a little scared and so very, very proud of my husband and all the soldiers with whom he is deploying.  I know that as with all deployments, this one will have moments that I will remember forever, some sad but also so many that will leave me with an immense sense of pride and purpose as a military spouse and pride for my fellow spouses.  I will find myself awestruck by the dignity, strength, compassion and support my fellow Army wives will show and I know we will make it through…together.