In my Bible Study with the other wives from our unit this
past week, we were discussing the stress of the upcoming deployment and the
effects it can have on our relationships with our spouses. We all talked about how for some of us, we
tend to fight a lot more prior to deployment. For others, we cling to each
other, trying to take advantage of every single moment we have left together.
For Cory and I, this has changed with every deployment. I’m not sure if it is having been through multiple
deployments, age, experience or how long we have been together, but it has
definitely changed.
With our first couple of deployments, we fought prior to the deployment… a lot. It wasn’t necessarily about anything major,
but we were short-tempered and grouchy with each other. I know I was super-sensitive and took every
little slight personally. I think part
of this was we were a lot newer in our relationship. Even though we were already married, we still
were uncertain about the future in a lot of ways. Plus, we weren’t used to the “Deployment
Cycle” as we call it. I’m not talking about the actual deployment cycle, but the
emotional one you go through with a deployment.
There are several distinct phases as I see it and everyone handles them
differently. Now, please know, I am no
expert, just someone who has done it a couple of times or so. The great news is that as we have become more
aware of each of these phases, we have adapted and deal with them much better,
especially the pre-deployment and reintegration phases.
Pre-deployment: This is the time leading up to a
deployment. Both spouses are stressed
about the upcoming deployment. They may
be fearful, angry, on edge, sad or any other multitude of feelings. I think a lot of us find ourselves working
through the 5 stages of grief: Denial,
Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance and maybe not even in that
order. Some of us never make it from
denial to acceptance until after they are gone. I have to admit, that one is
hard. With each deployment, I have found that I make it through these stages
much quicker. This is when you may find yourself taking things personal or
being snappy.
1st month following deployment: This one is the
hardest for me to be honest. This is the
time when I have to get my moping out of the way, do my crying and allow myself
time to be sad. However, by the end of
that first month, I normally find myself getting in a groove and things start
to get easier. This is also the time when things around the house/car are most
likely to break. You have to love our
dear friend Murphy.
Rest of Deployment: This is the time that passes the fastest
for me. I know it sounds crazy, but once
I get in my groove, time seems to go by pretty fast. There will be speed bumps along the way and
ups/downs, but for the most part, time just passes along.
Last Month: Okay,
back to the hard part again. This month
DRAGS by for me. It is also when I find
myself getting really scared again. I
think it is just that we have made it so far, I find myself fearful that
something will happen right there at the end. I know, seems like I would be celebrating that
we hit the home stretch, but that isn’t always my reaction, unfortunately. This is also the time I start getting
stressed again. Gotta get the house
clean, yard cut, fridge stocked with his favorite foods, etc. I know this is a little bit of insanity as
honestly, he is going to be so happy to be home, the other is just extra.
Homecoming/reintegration: Okay,
so this one can be a little bit of a letdown sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing better
than having them home, but sometimes we have these fantastic expectations of homecoming
and the reality isn’t quite what we expect.
One, the first couple of days, they can be exhausted. We are going ninety to nothing wanting to
catch up and after hugging everyone, they sometimes just want REST. Also, after
a lengthy separation, it can take a while to get back to “normal” or the “new
normal” as I like to call it. They have
changed. We have changed. It can take a bit of time to figure it all
out. I can remember telling Cory one
time when he was hovering in the kitchen after getting home and I had ran into
him several times, “You are just in the way.”
I know, not my finest moment, but he was literally in my way. For me, it takes time to get adjusted to
having another person in the house again. It takes adjustment with the kids as
well. They are used to Mom being the one
to go to for permission/questions which can leave Dad feeling left out. Once again, I don’t want this to sound all
negative. It isn’t. Re-integration can
be one of the most wonderful things in the world. I mean, what can be better
than having them safely at home in your arms again? I have just learned to go into reintegration
with fewer expectations and a lot more flexibility.
Now, with our upcoming deployment I have to say that the
pre-deployment phase is going a lot more smoothly than it used to. I think a lot of it is that I am past the
point of taking things personal and I tend to be a little more empathetic to
the stress this time puts on my husband.
I don’t take it as personal if he comes home grouchy and strained and I
do tend to let him get away with a little more.
My feelings are a little tougher and I know that it isn’t really aimed
at me; I am just getting the him that is left at the end of a hard day. Now,
that isn’t to say that I let him be a butt without being called on it, but I do
let a lot more than normal slide. I know
it is a hard time for all of us and I try to understand that with deployment
this close, it is sometimes difficult to let work go and relax. Another thing we do now is joke about it a
lot more, like I found myself saying the other day, “There is only so much of
your grouchiness and attitude I can take before I start giving it back.” It was
said in as a joke, with just a little bit of honesty thrown in. J I’d like to think he lets a lot more slide as
well, knowing that I am stressed as well.
I guess in my own long-winded way, I am trying to say to all
my friends going through this with me, you aren’t alone. We are all going through it together and we
each deal with it differently. Try to
give yourself (and your spouse) a little leeway, especially if this is your
first deployment. It is stressful. It is hard.
As I told a friend the other day, repeat after me, “I’ve got this and
when I don’t; my fellow Tommie Girls have it for me.”
