How we treat each other

A friend of mine said something on Facebook the other day about how people tear each other down and how much better we could use that energy we spend being negative about each other.  It really resonated with me because that very thought has been weighing on my mind lately, specifically in respect to military spouses.  All in all, military spouses are great human beings.  I don’t want this post to be interpreted in any way as a negative attack on military spouses.  It is not intended that way at all.  Truthfully, it is a reflection on people in general.

I am just as guilty as the next person about some of the things I write about.  As military spouses we are strong, we support our husbands, take care of our families and support each other…well, most of the time we support each other.  One of the things I’ve noticed with us milspouses is that a lot of us have a very specific view about being a milspouse and the way things should be.  Sometimes, that can lead to us being very judgmental.  We’ve all heard some of the comments that are made and I’m sure most of us have said or thought things that weren’t very nice about other milspouses because what they were doing, how they were acting or at least what we “thought” they were doing or how they were acting.  I wish that when we see fellow military wives (and people in general) and we find ourselves being critical of the life they are leading, that we stop and remember that none of us are perfect and we don’t know what they are going through personally.  I know that I have been guilty of making judgements and I regret it.  I am constantly working on improving.  My hope is that we learn to support and help each other, rather than judge and make assumptions, especially with an upcoming deployment.

I know during one of our early deployments we had a wife who did not appear to take very good care of her children.  They were often dirty and unkempt.  She didn’t know how to drive and would ask for rides to FRG meetings or take a taxi. At that time, I was a fairly new mother, with only one child and I can remember how critical I was of her. None of us wanted to give her rides and we all kept our distance.  Now, I can’t even begin to express how ashamed I am of how I acted and that I didn’t get to know her better.  Maybe she was overwhelmed, maybe depressed.  I know she tried to make every meeting, no matter how difficult it was for her to get there, even if it meant loading up her children (she had 3 or 4) and paying for a  taxi to get there. Looking back, I think she must have craved being with a group to have worked so hard to make it and what did a lot of us do?  We were aloof and distant.  We made judgments.  I wonder what kind of difference we could have made to both her and her kids if we had stopped to ask.  “How are you? Is there anything you need?”  I’m not sure what eventually happened with her, although I heard that her and her husband got a divorce shortly after the deployment was over.  I wonder if someone had reached out to her, if it might have made a difference.  Shouldn't we give each other the benefit of the doubt and show compassion and concern more than judgment?  If we would spend more time thinking about how to help each other, instead of criticizing what we think someone is doing wrong, think about how much better off everyone would be.  

Another thing that bothers me is the generalizations we make about officer wives vs. enlisted wives or junior enlisted vs senior enlisted wives. It bothers me that we even refer to each other in this manner, much less the stereotypes that are made us based on our husbands rank.  Why do we do this?  Why do we feel the need to pigeon hole each other in this manner?  My husband is enlisted and I married him a long time ago.  In those years, I have been friends with wives of privates, sergeants, sergeant majors, lieutenants and colonels to name a few.  I’m glad that I had a husband that urged me to be friends with anyone that I wanted, no matter their husband’s rank.  Had I listened to the stereotypes, I would have missed out on some of the best friendships of my life. What I’ve learned is that we are all living the same life.  We are all strong, but sometimes scared, lonely and worried.  When it comes down to it, we aren’t so much an officer’s wife or an enlisted soldier’s wife or anything else, we’re just a soldier’s wife.  We are all on the same journey, loving a soldier.  

I guess what I am trying to say in  my awkward, rambling way is that as military spouses and even more importantly, women, we should support each other and love each other as no matter our personality, lifestyle or husband’s rank, we are living a shared experience. We should help each other and show each other compassion.  We have all been (or will be) there, in that moment where someone looking from the outside thinks, “Wow, she really needs to get it together.”  I know I’ve been there more than once and luckily, more times than not, I had a friend that stepped in to help and it made all the difference in the world.  So, as cheesy as it may be to some, why can’t we just love each other?

“Treat those who are good with goodness, and also treat those who are not good with goodness. Thus goodness is attained. Be honest to those who are honest, and be also honest to those who are not honest. Thus honesty is attained.”  –Lao Tzu

 “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.” -1 Peter 3:8

Here we go again...

I’ve been mulling over this post for a week now, just trying to collect my thoughts and get them down on paper.  Last Thursday, it was announced that Cory’s brigade will be deploying to Afghanistan in the fall. This will be Cory’s 5^th deployment to the Middle East and first to Afghanistan.  For me, this deployment is different than previous deployments in so many ways and yet, the same.  From 2002 to 2008, Cory spent as much time deployed as he did at home.  It was a constant home and gone again loop.  However, since 2008, we have been blessed to have him home with us except for occasional training (not so occasional the past year).  In that time, we have added two new children to our family and moved to the other side of the country.  So, in a lot of ways, this feels like our first deployment.

This deployment, like every other deployment, will offer its own set of challenges.  It is a deployment of “firsts”.  This is my first deployment away from my family and hometown friends. This is my first deployment with three kids as it was just Lila and I the last deployment.  Also, it is my first deployment as a stay at home mom.  Another first is that it is my first deployment as Family Readiness Group Leader.  For those that don’t know a lot about the Family Readiness Group, it serves as a support system for the families of our soldiers.  Prior to the deployment, we will work hard to make sure everyone is as prepared as possible for the deployment and that they have the information they need. During, we will work to keep everyone informed as we receive information and offer the support our families may need as well as opportunities for the families to get together and have fun.  I am sure this deployment of “firsts” will be one heck of a wild ride if nothing else.  

I would be lying if I said that experience makes it any easier dealing with deployments.  It doesn’t!  I will be just as sad, worried and lonely as the next spouse dealing with Cory being gone.  The one thing that is easier with experience, though, is having the hard conversations.  I remember with Cory’s first deployment, the whole concept of talking about casualty notifications, funeral arrangements and wills was hard to stomach.  Now, we carry on those conversations as casually as we discuss what we should have for dinner.  As weird as it sounds, those conversations actually bring me comfort.  I know it sounds morbid.  For me, though, I find great comfort in knowing that if something did happen, I am prepared, or as prepared as you can be for something that devastating.  I know what Cory wants and I won’t have to make decisions and wonder if I am making the right one. We have had very detailed conversations about the “what ifs.”  It may be too much for some, but it works for us, for me to know what he wants and what his expectations are for mine and the kids’ future, just in case. 

Even though this is a deployment of “firsts”, my plan is to tackle it just like I have past deployments.  I will do it with great Pride in my husband, his fellow soldiers, the American military and this country. I will keep my head high and proud.  I will spend much of it on bended knees, both praying for the protection of Cory and his soldiers and also Giving Thanks for being Blessed with a husband who is willing to make such Sacrifice for his Family and Country.  I will have Faith that he and his fellow soldiers will come home safe.  I will also stay busy and Hope that my experience will let me help other wives.  I will LOVE my husband and my children every day and I will be STRONG for them all, yet be sure that my husband knows that my ability to carry on and handle things while he is gone does not mean that I don’t need him.  It is because of him that I handle it as best I can.  While I will do my best to show my children strength, I will also let them see my sadness, so they know it is okay for them to be sad as well.  Most of all, I will do my best to handle this deployment with Grace.

 “But they that wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”  Isaiah 40:31

Praying Out Loud

It has been forever since I posted anything, but a friend of mine keeps her blog updated regularly and motivated me to put a post out there.  I guess this is a follow up to last year’s post Praying on Paper.  As I talked about in the blog, I’ve never been good at praying out loud.  I know it is one of those things I should do in order to get better at it, but for some reason, my normal talkative, un-shy, perfectly fine with public speaking self gets all flustered when I have to pray out loud, especially in front of people.  Well, recently, a friend of mine, Jessica who I met when I got to Washington asked me to lead a devotion at a get together at her house.  I’m still not even sure what made Jessica ask me of all people, as while we know each other because our husband’s work together, we don’t know each other overly well.  Also, while I am very open about my faith, I’m not necessarily someone that is constantly bringing it up to everyone I meet.  I have to say I was quite surprised that she asked me as opposed to some of the ladies that are in her bible study group, but she did.  Also, I knew I would be speaking to a mixed group of ladies with various beliefs. My first thought was, of course, “No way, no how.  This is way too far out of my comfort zone.”  My second thought was, “In order to improve, you have to challenge yourself and maybe, just maybe, you will have something to say that others need to hear.” So, I told Jessica I would most definitely give a devotional. 

When it came to picking a topic, I was really worried about finding something that would speak to everyone and be appropriate for the group.  Not everyone was from a military family and some were married, while others were single.  So, at the advice of Jessica, I thought about a specific scripture that has got me through rough times and found I couldn’t pick just one.  However, there is one feeling that I have felt often as a result of Cory’s deployments and just life in general, that feeling is loneliness.  With deployments especially, while raising a child on my own for a year+ and working full time, I sometimes felt very lonely.  You know how you can feel alone, even though you are in a room full of people?  I had my family close, other military friends that were experiencing the same thing and friends I’d had since high school, but sometimes, I still felt lonely.  I missed my husband, my partner in everything, my best-friend.  However, there is one thing that I can find comfort in during those lonely times and that is that He promises we are never alone.

“As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.” - Joshua 1:5

 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.-Isaiah.” 41:10

That same promise is there, over and over and that is what gives me comfort when I am lonely.  I know I am never truly alone, as He is always there.

So, that is what I talked about as I gave the devotional.  I didn’t really have a planned script, just talked about what it has meant to me personally.  Of course, I got all teary-eyed and choked up.  This is coming from the girl who still cries in church on a regular basis.  I just got all choked up at the Easter Cantata when they sang, “Crucify Me.” So no, for anyone that saw me at Church on Easter Sunday, I truly wasn’t crying because I was overly tired and worn out trying to get three kids to Church, I’m just a big ole cry baby.

So, I did it.  I prayed in public, in front of a group of strangers and it felt good. All in all, I think it went well.  Of course, this is coming from a girl who normally just prays on paper.