Message to my Fellow Military Wives

I know there are a lot of us with deployed spouses right now.  Some of us have husbands who have left in the past few months, some in the past few days and some that are leaving very soon.  For some of us, it is just another in a long list of deployments while for others it is our first.  Some of us are new wives, fiancees or girlfriends while others have been married for what may seem like forever.  Some of us work, some of us stay at home, some are new mothers, some have more kids than they can keep up with (that would be me most days). No matter what our differences, there is one thing we all have in common.  We love a soldier.  We will spend the time our soldiers are away keeping the home fires burning and worried about their safety.  Many of us will spend many hours on bended knee praying for their safety and many times our own sanity. We will be lonely.  We will miss them.  We will be scared at times.  We will worry about our soldier's safety and mental health. If we are parents, we will worry about how the separation will impact our children.  We will worry about how the separation will impact our relationship. We will face down Murphy who will rear his ugly head at the most inopportune times.  Deployments can be very scary and as I have often said, sometimes they just SUCK! There is no way around that part. 

I want to focus instead on some of the things that are fantastic about deployments.  Deployments are an awesome opportunity for self-discovery. You will learn so much about yourself as you face the months without your spouse. You may feel weak and scared to begin with but at the end of this journey you will have great pride in your strength and a new found confidence in what you can handle on your own. If you don't already, you will learn that you can do things like check your own oil, figure out what is wrong with a broken washing machine or fix that squeaky stair.  You will find that you are capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for and while the journey may not always be perfect, the rewards will be great. 

Deployments have taught me to learn to ask for help, something that is hard for me.  Hopefully, you will learn to ask for help, too.  It is okay to admit that you can't always do it all and learning to ask for help from others when you need it can be life changing.  Suddenly you realize, it isn't you doing it all on your own.  You have a whole group of people around you who are willing to help if you just ask.  

The other wonderful thing about deployments is the fantastic friendships you will make.  There is nothing like the friendships you will make with other women going through the exact same thing. There is a shared experience that you don't find outside of the military and some of those friendships will last forever. Some of my best friendships in life were made during the WORST deployments.  There is just an unbreakable bond there. When you are feeling down or like you just can't handle it, a good friend is usually just the thing you need. They will commiserate with you, help you when you need a hand, cry with you and at times, be the one to tell you to suck it up and put on your big girl panties.  If you haven't made friends with your fellow spouses, yet, do it NOW!  This it the single most important piece of deployment advice I can give you. 

There is a quote from a Sherrilyn Kenyon book that says, "The strongest steel is forged by the fires of hell. It is pounded and struck repeatedly before it’s plunged back into the molten fire. The fire gives it power and flexibility, and the blows give it strength. Those two things make the metal pliable and able to withstand every battle it’s called upon to fight."  Just remember as you face this deployment that every struggle makes us stronger and more prepared to deal with the next adversity.  You will come out on the other side a stronger person who feels like they can take on so more than you do right now.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?

With the current deployment just starting, I am reflecting a lot on the hubby's past deployments and our marriage.  To some, the picture above may seem counter intuitive.  I mean seriously, who could possibly think that separation could be good for a marriage? Well, in all seriousness, Cory and I used to feel this way and to some extent it still holds true. Prior to our 7th Anniversary, he had already been deployed 4 times for a total of about 40 months.  That isn't counting the numerous field problems and trips to the National Training Center.  We pretty much spent that time as newlyweds as we never spent more than about 18-months together at one time.  We got to experience the honey moon phase over and over.  Of course, we also got to experience that first difficult couple of years as a married couple over and over again. I do have to say that when you don't get to be with your spouse all the time, you definitely learn to not take them for granted.  You learn to appreciate them more.  As a matter of fact, when we found out my husband was actually going to be home for a while we joked that we weren't sure how much we would even like each other if we had to live together that long with no field problems or deployments.  Well, prior to this deployment we were blessed with being able to spend 4 years straight together with no deployments, the most time we have ever been together in our 11 year marriage. The good news is we survived with our relationship quite intact and stronger than ever.  The not so good news is that we kinda got spoiled by all that time together. 

Today marks the beginning of our 5th deployment together.  Saying good-bye to my husband was as difficult as always. Of course, today was a very different sadness than in the past.  I found myself not nearly as sad for myself and a whole lot more sad for my husband and kids. Maybe it is just age or the fact that I have done this so many times before but I am full confident in my ability to handle it.  Don't get me wrong, I am sad and I will miss my husband something dreadful and worry about him, but I know with the support of my family, friends and most of all my faith, I've got this.  However, I am so very sad for my husband and what I know he'll miss and have to endure.  That part SUCKS for lack of a more eloquent way to say it.

So, I don't know if I agree if absence makes the heart grow fonder and no, I don't thank our happy marriage on deployments and training.  Our happy marriage is due to love, faith, compromise, hard-work, perseverance and just plain stubbornness sometimes. However, the trials we face with separations do add a different deeper appreciation to the time we have together.  How I look forward to that time together at the end of this separation...